Long Days, Short Years, Stiff Drinks

                                                                                                          365 days, countless crying episodes, hours and hours and hours of reflection, thousands of words written and a few thousand more spoken, hundreds of hugs given, and yes, about a million beers ago, my dad died.  I can't believe it's been an entire year.  But as my brother said this morning, I can't believe it's ONLY been a year.  It seems like a different life. I expected this to be a long, emotional trip around the sun and it certainly lived up to that expectation. In a major way.  What I didn't expect were a multitude of silver linings.  As I find myself a lot less rough around the...

As I packed up our home, box by box I stayed calm.  I never felt antsy.  I never cried.  I didn't even feel particularly stressed out.   As I spent a sunny day and late night with my best friends, ladies I would no longer have at my fingertips, my eyes stayed dry and I felt at ease.  Even as we pulled away and headed north to our next chapter, not a single tear fell.   I kept telling my husband, I feel like I'm cheating.   Normally I would be crying.  Normally I would be stressing.  Normally I would be a hot steaming mess of emotions.   But I wasn’t.   Rewind about two months prior.   The scene around me was entirely different. Nothing particularly stressful would happen, but yet I would be tight chested, explosive, consumed by this panicky feeling.  I was STILL crying at the drop of a hat, very frequently, even though Dad had been gone for nine months by then. Physically I felt exhausted, desp...

When we told people that we were planning a two week adventure in Peru with our little ones we received many reactions.  All of them were strong; few of them were positive.  One person actually said, "what are you thinking?!" We knew we were taking on a challenge dragging our not yet 5 and 2 year old sons with us but we were certain we were up for it. Much like parenthood itself, a trip of this magnitude with your kids is not something you can completely prepare yourself for; you just have to jump in and figure it out as you go along.  And although we questioned our decision to bring them along (and hell, even give birth to them at all) many, many times on the trip we experienced just as many awesomely high moments that absolutely would not have happened if they weren't there with us. For all those brave (or delusional) parents out there with an itch for adventure (or those who just want to laugh at our folly) here's some totally candid advice based on what it ...

This morning I noticed that I was very short tempered.  Tiny things that wouldn't normally bother me were making me red hot mad in an instant.  After snapping at the boys for a very minor infraction I stepped myself back.  Whoa, sister.  What's up? Then it hit me.  All at once.  It started as that familiar sweeping feeling of sadness that literally takes my breath away.  Then the sort of scratchy, antsy feeling inside my chest followed.  Like I wanted to run away but couldn't and it wouldn't help anyway. Ah.  It's Father's Day.  My first without one.  A father, I mean. Last Father's Day I gave him a really great insulated water bottle to take with him to the golf course.  So he could stay hydrated and healthy.  I'd been nagging him to drink more water.  Little did we know he was already sliding into stage four by then. Has it really been nearly a year since this all began? I've been ignoring it all w...

By nature, I'm a high strung person.  As I've mentioned before, I yell a lot.  I'm fairly controlling and I want things to be just right and just right usually means my way.  I get totally bent out of shape when things don't go the way I planned.  And I do this all to myself.  No one puts more pressure on me than me.  I recognize these traits in myself (I refuse to call them flaws...they are beneficial when it comes to many enterprises) and I accept them.  Lucky for me, my family and friends seem to do the same.  My husband rolls with the tide of my crazitude and doesn't even resent me for it. Life with little kids is crazy stressful on its own.  They drive parents bananas with their constant and unceasing demand for care and attention and to rub salt into our already weeping wounds they turn it up a notch with messes upon messes and pushes of buttons and back talking and heart stopping risk taking and more and more and more and at the ...

Let's face it.  We're going through a rough spot.  I'm not completely blaming you...I take my share of the responsibility for the frustrations in our relationship but without the tie that holds us together legally, spiritually, ethically, and otherwise we probably would have kicked each other to our respective curbs by now. You'd have tired of my constant and relentless righting of wrongs and I'd have exhausted all of my methods to do so without excessive dissatisfaction and we'd have thrown in the towel, amicably parting ways but relieved to be done with the struggle. But we will survive this rocky period, and the many more we will face, not only because of the deep and unfaltering love we feel for one another but because we've vowed to remain committed, through  highs and lows, as long as we draw breath.  I am steadfast in that commitment and there is no one I love more than you... But we have work some work to do. Communication is a challenge...

I love my boys with all my heart.  I give them all I’ve got, day in and day out, in an effort to raise healthy, productive, happy members of society.   I’m not afraid to admit, however, that sometimes all I’ve got is not that much .   I’ve slipped into some shameless parenting habits that, although very necessary for my own happiness and sanity at times, are not necessarily what one would consider primo parenting.  Since I make no qualms about it (I mean shameless in the literal sense here) I will share them with you in an effort to make you feel better about your own human raising.   Yelling/Screaming/Acting Like a Crazy Person:  I’m a yeller.  Always have been.  It hit home that I do this all too frequently when I heard my 18 month old screaming incoherently at the dogs when they were barking at the mail lady.  You know, just like I do.  Under the Breath Cussing:  It is not at all uncommon for me to let loose a pr...