Comfort in Accomplishment

I'm a creature of habit. I enjoy structure, routine, and getting things done, one check list item at a time.  Like my dad did, I find comfort in knowing what will happen next, what I need to do, and what my day/week/month will look like.

This personality trait and way in which I manage my life left me feeling extremely disconcerted when I found myself in the position of not knowing what the hell to do with myself.  When my dad was first diagnosed, I'd spend what seemed like long periods of time doing nothing.  I was stuck, paralyzed with the news and unable to manage much of anything, much less lead a productive life.

But day by day, out of sheer necessity, I started getting things done.  It started with the most simple tasks, like:  Get out of bed.  Put food in your body.  Brush your son's teeth.  Take a shower.

A shift occurred when we moved in with Dad.  Things needed doing and we were there to do them.  I remember every meal I cooked, even something ridiculously simple like a box of pasta with a jar of sauce, felt like a monumental feat.  "I did it again," I'd think.  I managed to get us all fed.

And I started taking comfort in those accomplishments.  So I started doing a bit more and a bit more.

Practice yoga.  Check.  Take the boys outside for a walk.  Check.  Wash some clothes.  Check.  Do some cleaning.  Check.  Take a break to breathe, or cry, or scream because you must.  Check, check, check.

Now that I am more than four weeks into the next stage of this process, the part where he is actually gone, I have noticed a natural progression towards doing more, recapturing some normalcy for my children, my husband, and myself and yes, making to-do lists of things that need doing.

And again, I'm taking comfort in these accomplishments.

True, a list that would have normally taken me a day to knock out now takes me at least a week.  True, I daily find myself in moments when I'm unable to breathe, dripping unstoppable tears down my face, unable to accomplish anything but my grief.

But also true, I'm making progress.

Slow, steady, naturally human progress.

And I take comfort in that as well.

Image credit Zorbits Math.




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Shorts Under Dresses: An Underlying Issue

Image
A friend recently relayed a story to me about her 4 year old daughter and a dress code at the preschool she attends.  Girls are required to wear shorts underneath their skirts, which is no big deal if your child goes along with the policy. In my friend's case, however, her daughter wasn't on board and it made for a very trying and tiring ordeal getting ready on school days. Getting kids fed, dressed, and out the door with a healthy meal in hand is HARD work. Having to fight over a pair of shorts under an already perfectly reasonable garment is not a battle worth waging. In order to regain calm in their morning routine, the teacher and mother discussed the conflict and came to an agreement. Her daughter could skip the shorts so long as she wore long dresses or skirts. Problem solved, right? Technically speaking, yes, the problem was solved. But it points to a much larger underlying issue that needs more illumination.  Our culture has an unhealthy relationship wi...
Read more

Three Years Today

Image
I knew this day was coming. It looms large in its approach each year. But this year, the third, was different. Even until yesterday I thought I would get through it more upbeat, more positive, more grateful than the two years before. Riding on a big emotional high will do that for you. We just got back from a long weekend celebrating the marriage of two people we hold so dear. It was, hands down, the most spectacular event I've ever had the pleasure of attending. Set on the stunning Amalfi coast. Surrounded by family. Forging new friendships with people who span the globe. Communicating without words when our languages didn't allow for conversation. Eating and drinking like royals. And, best and highest of all, witnessing the union of a couple whose love and appreciation of life and generosity to others knows no bounds. Simply put, magnifico! Prior to that I got to spend a little time with my mom and step dad, who came all the way up to our new home in Indiana to take ...
Read more

Smooth(er) Sailing

Image
                                                                                                          365 days, countless crying episodes, hours and hours and hours of reflection, thousands of words written and a few thousand more spoken, hundreds of hugs given, and yes, about a million beers ago, my dad died.  I can't believe it's been an entire year.  But as my brother said this morning, I can't believe it's ONLY been a year.  It seems like a different life. I expected this to be a long, emotional trip around the sun and it certainly lived up to that expectation. In a major way.  What I didn't expect were a multitude of silver linings.  As I find myself a lot less rough around the...
Read more