The 7 Habits of Highly Annoying Children


Let me start with the full disclaimer that I ADORE my children. They light up my life, amaze me (almost) every day with their capacity to learn, laugh, love, and live fully and I simply wouldn't want to be in this world without them. Obviously.

That being said, they have some super annoying behaviors and habits that I could most definitely live without and in my observations of other people's offspring, these habits appear to be somewhat universal.

These are things that make me roll my eyes, whisper not so nice things, and on the occasion, for fleeting but intense moments, question my decision to procreate. In no particular order, 7 habits of highly annoying children:

1. Answering the question "How was school today?" with a 15 minute monologue about the Five Days at Freddy's game you played at recess or yelling at me across the house to "Come quick!" like someone's hair is on fire only so you can corner me for approximately an eon yammering on and on and on about the new monsters you bred and what sounds they sing. Your child will not stop even to take a breath to provide the pause you so desperately need to ask a more specific question like, "What was the number of the day?" or "Who the hell is Freddy and has it been five days yet?"

2. Picking some random sound or word or phrase and saying it (loudly) over and over and over again. As I write this, one of them is saying," Nutty nut. Nutty nut. Nutty nut. Nutty Nut" like 27 times in a row right next to my head. Why, yes. Yes you are making me "Nutty Nuts."

3. Using my body as a launch pad. Look. I'm all for you bear cubbing around with each other and even with your father but I don't do rough games. My softer parts don't like to be smashed and squished. Haven't my breasts suffered enough? You've done your part to ensure they will never again stand at attention without the aid of serious reinforcements. I don't need you to physically push them further into descent.

4. OMG the screaming. WHY WHY WHY do kids have to scream so damn much? They scream when they are happy. They scream when they are mad. They scream when they are good. They scream when they are bad. It's like they don't even hear me when I scream, "BE QUIET!"

5. The one bite every 7 minutes meal plan. Okay. I get this at dinner when out of desperation I've allowed you to have crackers, goldfish, granola, and 4 pieces of fruit between lunch and the next meal. But why aren't you ravenous at breakfast?! You ate nothing at dinner and you slept for 12 hours. Why aren't you inhaling those scrambled eggs dude? Pick.Up.The.Fork.And.EAT already.

6. Constantly interrupting. It seems we never get to complete a thought or hell, even a sentence before one of them jumps in to say something super important and interruption worthy like, "I scraped my knee seven weeks ago." or "I like turtles." We find ourselves doing and saying everything in super high speed in an effort to reach completion and yes, that includes knocking boots. Which leads me to my 7th and final habit of highly annoying children.

7. Cock blocking. I don't know if I'm going to be "in the mood" during the hours of 12:30 and 2:30 on Saturday of next week but my mood is really of no consequence in this equation. If you want any semblance of a sex life in parenthood you better pencil it in to the ol' family calendar or go dry and wither on the vine. Care for a bit of spontaneity? As one mother put it to me when I first began this journey, "How fast can you f*ck?"

And honestly, I do love those little buggers with every fiber of my being. For real. Even when I'd rather scoop my own eyes out with a rubber coated baby spoon than be in their presence for one moment longer.

Image credit: Quicklol.com

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Shorts Under Dresses: An Underlying Issue

Image
A friend recently relayed a story to me about her 4 year old daughter and a dress code at the preschool she attends.  Girls are required to wear shorts underneath their skirts, which is no big deal if your child goes along with the policy. In my friend's case, however, her daughter wasn't on board and it made for a very trying and tiring ordeal getting ready on school days. Getting kids fed, dressed, and out the door with a healthy meal in hand is HARD work. Having to fight over a pair of shorts under an already perfectly reasonable garment is not a battle worth waging. In order to regain calm in their morning routine, the teacher and mother discussed the conflict and came to an agreement. Her daughter could skip the shorts so long as she wore long dresses or skirts. Problem solved, right? Technically speaking, yes, the problem was solved. But it points to a much larger underlying issue that needs more illumination.  Our culture has an unhealthy relationship wi...
Read more

Three Years Today

Image
I knew this day was coming. It looms large in its approach each year. But this year, the third, was different. Even until yesterday I thought I would get through it more upbeat, more positive, more grateful than the two years before. Riding on a big emotional high will do that for you. We just got back from a long weekend celebrating the marriage of two people we hold so dear. It was, hands down, the most spectacular event I've ever had the pleasure of attending. Set on the stunning Amalfi coast. Surrounded by family. Forging new friendships with people who span the globe. Communicating without words when our languages didn't allow for conversation. Eating and drinking like royals. And, best and highest of all, witnessing the union of a couple whose love and appreciation of life and generosity to others knows no bounds. Simply put, magnifico! Prior to that I got to spend a little time with my mom and step dad, who came all the way up to our new home in Indiana to take ...
Read more

Smooth(er) Sailing

Image
                                                                                                          365 days, countless crying episodes, hours and hours and hours of reflection, thousands of words written and a few thousand more spoken, hundreds of hugs given, and yes, about a million beers ago, my dad died.  I can't believe it's been an entire year.  But as my brother said this morning, I can't believe it's ONLY been a year.  It seems like a different life. I expected this to be a long, emotional trip around the sun and it certainly lived up to that expectation. In a major way.  What I didn't expect were a multitude of silver linings.  As I find myself a lot less rough around the...
Read more