Monday, November 14, 2016

An Open Letter to My Baby Maker


Dear Reproductive System,

It's been a long, exciting, and sometimes nail biting ride but like a teenager that's tapped into her second bottle of Boone's Farm, I'm sorry to say it's time to cut you off.  Before heading into surgery bright and early tomorrow morning, I wanted to take a minute to properly acknowledge your contributions.  

To my ovaries, I want to say thank you for producing healthy, viable, single eggs each month with the precision of an expensive Swiss timepiece.  Two of those lucky eggs, thankfully 36 cycles apart, met up with some fantastic sperm friends and resulted in the finest baby boys a parent could dream to create.  And though you may continue dutifully to push those eggs out onto their yellow brick road to a new world, I'm afraid to say that henceforth, they will be met with a road block too perfectly engineered to subvert.  

To my uterus, it's been an honor.  I felt merely a bystander as you grew to such astonishing size while safely housing growing humans and the organ that nurtured them for 40 awe inspiring weeks, not once but twice.  I was equally as dumbstruck with the speed in which you contracted back to a pretty much normal size in the weeks following your inhabitants ejections.  I wish I could say the same for the flesh surrounding you.  

Sweet, circular cervix, thank you for opening up and accepting the outsiders that combined with our eggs in order to spark a new life on two earth shattering occasions.  It would have been nice if you'd been a bit more of a team player that first time around with dilation and all but who's keeping score?  You were a pin hole and became a turtle neck.  I couldn't ask for anything more.

Finally, fallopian tubes, your smooth and straight path made it all possible.  Without your easily navigable and wide open roads, those tiny balls of female DNA would never have partnered up with those microscopic tadpoles and I'd be sleeping in on Saturdays.  Tomorrow morning, you're going under construction, never to be opened for traffic again.  

We've been a remarkable team in this thing called creating life.  Thanks for all the hard and noble work.  Moving forward, I will rejoice in foot loose and fancy free sexual contact with my spouse, free from ovulation imposed limitations.  

In the seven minutes we have to spare, we will let it rip and never ever again pee on a stick!  

Hasta la vista,
The Rest of Me

IMAGE CREDIT: Me