Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Two Years

The calendar of our lives are marked not by dates or years but events. Events that lead our minds to organize the files of our existence into before and after.

Before kids. After college. Before I met him. After I left him. Before the storm. After the split.

Before cancer. After death.

How can it be that two years have passed away since he did? And yet how can it only be two years? The passage of time when met with the enormity of loss can play such tricks. The before sometimes feeling painfully short and the after an endless expanse.

But life, and time, marches steadily on despite our warped perceptions. And life is truly and magnificently good despite the fact that it must inevitably end.

I love him. I miss him. In this exceptional after.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

The 7 Habits of Highly Annoying Children

Let me start with the full disclaimer that I ADORE my children. They light up my life, amaze me (almost) every day with their capacity to learn, laugh, love, and live fully and I simply wouldn't want to be in this world without them. Obviously.

That being said, they have some super annoying behaviors and habits that I could most definitely live without and in my observations of other people's offspring, these habits appear to be somewhat universal.

These are things that make me roll my eyes, whisper not so nice things, and on the occasion, for fleeting but intense moments, question my decision to procreate. In no particular order, 7 habits of highly annoying children:

1. Answering the question "How was school today?" with a 15 minute monologue about the Five Days at Freddy's game you played at recess or yelling at me across the house to "Come quick!" like someone's hair is on fire only so you can corner me for approximately an eon yammering on and on and on about the new monsters you bred and what sounds they sing. Your child will not stop even to take a breath to provide the pause you so desperately need to ask a more specific question like, "What was the number of the day?" or "Who the hell is Freddy and has it been five days yet?"

2. Picking some random sound or word or phrase and saying it (loudly) over and over and over again. As I write this, one of them is saying," Nutty nut. Nutty nut. Nutty nut. Nutty Nut" like 27 times in a row right next to my head. Why, yes. Yes you are making me "Nutty Nuts."

3. Using my body as a launch pad. Look. I'm all for you bear cubbing around with each other and even with your father but I don't do rough games. My softer parts don't like to be smashed and squished. Haven't my breasts suffered enough? You've done your part to ensure they will never again stand at attention without the aid of serious reinforcements. I don't need you to physically push them further into descent.

4. OMG the screaming. WHY WHY WHY do kids have to scream so damn much? They scream when they are happy. They scream when they are mad. They scream when they are good. They scream when they are bad. It's like they don't even hear me when I scream, "BE QUIET!"

5. The one bite every 7 minutes meal plan. Okay. I get this at dinner when out of desperation I've allowed you to have crackers, goldfish, granola, and 4 pieces of fruit between lunch and the next meal. But why aren't you ravenous at breakfast?! You ate nothing at dinner and you slept for 12 hours. Why aren't you inhaling those scrambled eggs dude? Pick.Up.The.Fork.And.EAT already.

6. Constantly interrupting. It seems we never get to complete a thought or hell, even a sentence before one of them jumps in to say something super important and interruption worthy like, "I scraped my knee seven weeks ago." or "I like turtles." We find ourselves doing and saying everything in super high speed in an effort to reach completion and yes, that includes knocking boots. Which leads me to my 7th and final habit of highly annoying children.

7. Cock blocking. I don't know if I'm going to be "in the mood" during the hours of 12:30 and 2:30 on Saturday of next week but my mood is really of no consequence in this equation. If you want any semblance of a sex life in parenthood you better pencil it in to the ol' family calendar or go dry and wither on the vine. Care for a bit of spontaneity? As one mother put it to me when I first began this journey, "How fast can you f*ck?"

And honestly, I do love those little buggers with every fiber of my being. For real. Even when I'd rather scoop my own eyes out with a rubber coated baby spoon than be in their presence for one moment longer.

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