Friday, October 23, 2015
Weekends Are the Worst
That's right. I said it. The weekends are the worst.
In my experience with loss thus far, the weekends seem like this vast expanse of time I have in front of me with nothing to do but deal with my thoughts and feelings. Absent are the routines and busy schedules that fill our weekdays and make time march efficiently forward with less space to think and feel the absence of him.
With looser schedules and lazier days come quiet times to reflect. The very qualities that I used to relish about our weekends together as a family are the qualities that now leave me anxious, restless, and longing for Monday for the first time in memory.
With nothing pressing to do and heavy feelings pinning me down, I inevitably turn to distractions that make the weight easier to bear. Sitting outside on game day, playing with our kids, having quality, relaxed family time is a healthy distraction and I couldn't get through this without my husband's steady love and support nor without the responsibility I shoulder in caring for our children. But it isn't enough right now.
Social engagements are also a healthy distraction and I couldn't survive this without my amazing friends and the ease with which we socialize and love each other. But that isn't enough right now, either.
In my weakened state, I haven't the will to refuse those immediate, temporary remedies that relieve the scratching anxiety and numb my overbearing emotions. I quickly find myself unable to say no more, to make rational decisions, and to look out for my health and well being.
In an effort to make myself feel whole again, I fill myself to the brim with food, friends, drink, and play and yet at the end of it, I still feel fragmented, broken, empty. I get lifted above this all and escape it, if only briefly, ignoring the inner voice that knows what goes up must come down. And I wake with the usual disbelief and forthcoming sadness with a thick layer of fog, exhaustion, and headache on top.
In short, it doesn't make me feel better.
But I do it because it is the weekend.
And the weekends are the worst.
Image Credit lifeisgoodkauai.